Musings from my Boss

I overheard my coworker and boss chatting just a moment ago. This is how it went.

Boss: "What are your plans for the holiday?"
Coworker: "Relax and go to the Yankees game!"
Boss: "Anthony, do something interesting this weekend. What is in a game? Anyone can shoot a bloody gun at a target. Be something more than that."

I love my boss. He is always so introspective and funny, even when he doesn't mean to be. He recently asked me about my ring, a peach moonstone.

He said, "Kathleen, why do you waste such beauty?"
I replied, "What do you mean? I mean, I am wearing it. How am I not getting use out of it?"

He wisely informed me that the ring was not touching my body (being propped on its setting) and therefore, I was not receiving the intended effect of the stone, which, by the way, brings peace and tranquility. I, being the smart ass I am, flipped the ring over and closed my hand around it.

"There, now I am peaceful," I proudly declared.

He quoted Einsten and was gone. He's a bit all over the place, but what a wonderful man.

Snuggle Tent

For the past couple days, I have been sleeping in a tent. Yes, a tent. My boyfriend, being the oh-so sexy mountain man that he is, pitched a tent in our living room and accordingly, set up our bed inside of it. He is so adorable like that. Truth be told, I'm in love with it. I want to make a home in it...a cocoon, maybe. I could use a little hibernation...a little time away. I think that is why I am so drawn to this sleeping arrangement; you can zip yourself up in your own warm little world and just be. It's nice and kind of womb-like. And in the morning, you reemerge into the daylight, literally zipping yourself out and up into the morning. A rebirth of sorts. It brings whole new meaning to the metaphorical rise and shine. Now, if only we had enough room to pitch it in our backyard...

Paving my mind

When you look at the world in a certain way, it seems silly to ever get caught up in trivial things that often plague the mind. That is why it is important to not get caught up in the stuff that doesn't matter, otherwise, as they say, you will truly miss out on what is special. I have been trying to do this. But, isn't it funny (or, more often than not, sad) that it is so easy to busy your mind, and thus your life, with things that don't matter? Usually these things stem from misunderstanding, misconcenption, or simply because your mind runs away with itself. It is so important to try and not let this happen. Why fill your head with junk when it has so much room for hope and discovery? I think that maybe the former is easier than the latter, and that is why people so often focus on such things. I think it takes both awareness and confidence to lead your mind to wonderful places. It takes independent thinking and an ability to understand that life is full of different paths that cross in a million different ways and you are just one of them. You must accept that everyone has their own story and every bit of it is beautiful in its own way. You might drive yourself crazy if can't believe that.

Lessons Learned

Having a mentee in my life has been quite the experience, let me tell you. It has taught me so much about self-worth! It has made me realize how important recognition is and about how wonderful and effective constant encouragement can be. All these things aside, it's also tough. I had a vision of what being a mentor would be like before I got myself into the program. Here is what it looked like: Me, a supportive and sassy adult who can just be real with a teen who's about to emerge into the "real" world. Her: a young, excitable, and ever-curious bundle of life-energy in need of a little guidance. We would spend our time hiking or kicking around a soccer ball...a rootbeer float here, a friendship necklace there...you get the picture.

So far, it has not been like that. She is not like that. We are not like that (yet). She is obviously in this program for a reason and sadly enough, it's because she lacks anything even remotely close to my daydream scenario; and that is where I come in, I suppose. The truth is she lacks a lot and she needs me to make up for that...and well, that is intense and amazing, but mostly intense.

The reality finally hit me. This is really about two very different people learning to know each other and frankly, learning to like each other. It's a crash course in trust and growth and all in all, it is pretty fantastic. It's funny to see us fumble along trying to understand this process. And what a process it is! Once we figure out our relationship, I think we be able to really see each other, but it will undoubtably be a challenge. However, as with most volunteer work, it has been eye-opening and that is why I love it. But, man, oh man, it's not easy.

I must say that being the positive force in someone else's life is pretty rewarding. Offering chances, ideas, and experiences to someone who wouldn't otherwise be exposed to those things is like being Santa, only better. That is precisely what makes this so very worth it.

Circles in my head

Why is it so hard to really trust people? OK, it probably has something to do with vulnerability...but that is a bit hog-washy for me. It's a given. You open yourself up to someone else and in essence, it's an unveiling. You want it to be raw, I think. Better yet, you want it to be pure. I wish it was easier to be trustworthy of those that are close and important to you. Just to be totally comfortable when it comes to really getting to know yourself though someone else; not to have to follow rules or feel like you need to fit some mold. Just be yourself in your finest, realest form and have that be enough of a ground for true strength to build. I wish I had the ability to really see and understand people; really know and trust them. In a way, I think I've been blessed with this capacity, but after some consideration, I'm also convinced it's on a semi-superficial level. When I stop and think about it, I mean, how much of the real me is really knowing anyone else? I am in awe of how that can really happen. Like undeniably connecting with someone else and that just being it. No worries; just openness, trust, and growth. Maybe that's an ideal, but I think it's possible to find that in the real (per se, material) world, right? I wish I wasn't riddled with silly insecurities about myself. I wish I didn't doubt people's intentions. Real, solid, unsuperficial strength is hard to come by. Strength that really comes from somewhere deep and for the right reasons, not strength that is used to mask other things. I want this! Where do I find it? For a lil insight, I googled "where do i find strength?" (obviously!) I did learn a little bit about buidling muscle and losing fat, as well as about the importance of gaining strength through numbers in religion, but that's all. Despite popular belief, I suppose Google is not an all-knowing entity. Well, I guess I have to search a bit deeper than the web, eh? It must be something you can't read, instead it's something you must do. So I'll add that to my ever-lengthening list of to-do's: find strength in yourself for the right reasons. Learn to trust (and know) yourself, as well as others.

I need a lil spice in my life

Mondays can drag on like it's nobody's business. Even when you try to stay upbeat about things, monotony and routine rear their ugly heads and stare you down. Both have haunted me lately and well, to be honest, I feel stagnant...I know! I know! This is surely not a good thing. So how do I get out of this? To varietize my life might be a good place to start. Where do I start? The smallest details of one's everyday life can become exciting and different. Start small and work up! So there, that's what I will decidely pursue...change in small doses. I'll keep you posted.

Unexpected Insight

Sometimes something happens and all of a sudden, you are transported to a different place and time. You are back where you were years ago. You are in your memories and they are suddenly so much a part of who you are. A friend of mine passed away this week, very suddenly and very sadly, and when I heard the news, it stirred up things inside me that I hadn't felt or even thought about in many, many years. I blinked my eyes and I was back in my hometown; years back, remembering John and all the people, places, and things affiliated with him. And now, here we are, a short time later, and we have all moved on; everything still remains, but it has passed and is different...and now he, too, is gone. Things change in a flash, and become fleeting memories. It really makes you think about the fragility of life. About the beauty that one second in time holds. About appreciation. About giving thanks for every single thing you have. It makes me want to run home and just be with the people I grew up with. As we get older, our lives start to take on a life of their own; we mature into an older version of ourselves. We become who we are, with the aim of actualizing our full potential. But, where we come from and who we were before this transformation is just as important as the transformation itself because it roots us in ourselves. It's a part of us. We are all intertwined in eachother's lives and when one of those life lines is unexpectedly and tragicly torn out, it is a serious wake-up call.

People are like mirrors

People are like mirrors, they really are! I am a firm believer in the idea that you know yourself through other people. I have been out of touch with a dear friend of mine and as of late, we have been catching up via g-mail (mmmm g-mail, i salivate just thinking about you!). Anyways, it's crazy the way people's lives keep on going even when you aren't around. Things change, places change, people change, relationships change. Getting back in touch with her has reminded me of all these things and it makes me aware of things that are going on in my own life. Even when we can convince ourselve otherwise, things are impermanent, nothing is for certain, and we can never truly know anything. It's all perception. It's all what, when, and how you can handle things. Sometimes it seems right, sometimes it's not, and sometimes it changes into something else. But how do you handle that? I guess you have to adapt..be self-serving or self-preserving for that matter. But you know what else? You have to take risks. I think that is truly important. You have to challenge yourself. You even have to make the wrong decisions. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way, but who said that is a bad thing? I think it is a beautiful process. All of life, the highs and lows, in the end, are good for us. They make us who we are. Especially the hard times, I think this is when we really learn, when we really build our foundation, when we become truly rooted in ourselves. This is the energy that drives us. For fuck sake, it's the same energy that drags us down. But you know what they say, energy may neither be created nor destroyed, it just turns into something else. So what I keep telling myself (and you what you need to keep telling yourself) is that everything will change and become what it is supposed to become. However, there is one rule of thumb: you have to be level-headed and think things out. If you do that, you can't go wrong. My Dad (what a wise man!) once said to me, "Kathleen, patience and reason go a long way, and as you develop practical capabilities in both, you will experience true human happiness." That meant so much to me. It literally put my life in focus. So I'm passing it on. It's a simple, kinda obvious statement, but those are the best kinds, aren't they?

How ins"tire"ing

So today I dropped my car off to get it inspected (fingers crossed that it passes!). One of the mechanics drove me back to work and we listened to Sublime and got a little chummy. He is from Puerto Rico and we talked about the weather (how typical!) but it was nice to hear his spin on our climate...his appreciation for its variation, although he is pretty sure he will never really get used to it. It was also interesting that in the 5 minutes we spent together he mentioned his wife, his children, and his sisters. It just goes to show where his priorities are and it was refreshing to say the least. When he spoke about his family, he spoke in the present; even when he mentioned something about his sister that happened 16 years ago. I found this pretty fascinating...it seemed as though he lived in the moment, that memories to him were a part of a current flow of things, of things happening, not of those which have happened. Little did he know, but I really did learn something from our short conversation. He didn't say anything particularly inspiring, or particularly interesting, for that matter, but what he did say was meaningful to him and very present in his words and demeanor. He appreciated his family, his life, and they all really seemed to be a part of him. So much so that he spoke about his life like it was now, not then...because well, I guess it is. He seemed to embody the whole live in the moment thing and I was glad to have been exposed to that. That's the great thing about people. They give you perspective because they are perspective, you know? People's views are contagious and it's nice to see it take all shapes. It comes in so many forms, even a greased-up "tire guy" as he so honestly put it, can unknowingly inspire things in other people.